Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love
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- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2021-07-23 10:50:59
- Update Date：2025-09-07
- Status：finish
- Author：Amir Levine
- ISBN：1585429139
- Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary
We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise， but what about relationships？ Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly， while others struggle？ According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr。 Amir Levine and Rachel Heller， the answer is a resounding "yes。"In Attached， Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love。 Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s， the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness。 Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving。
In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate （or potential mate） follow， offering a road map for building stronger， more fulfilling connections with the people they love。
Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness。 Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving。
In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate （or potential mate） follow， offering a road map for building stronger， more fulfilling connections with the people they love。
Reviews
Amber Jankowski
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This book provided a unique way of looking at what people are looking for， and how they react to those around them。 It offered some amazing insights。
Sara
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My best friend is a therapist and had mentioned attachment theory in a recent conversation and said that this was the book that explains it most clearly。 Thing is， my friend did such a good （and honestly very succinct） job in talking about attachment that the book felt pretty redundant。 It was like many self-help books where the premise is laid out in clear bullet points at the beginning and then pads itself out with lots of examples and scenarios。 The book focuses on heterosexual romance， and d My best friend is a therapist and had mentioned attachment theory in a recent conversation and said that this was the book that explains it most clearly。 Thing is， my friend did such a good （and honestly very succinct） job in talking about attachment that the book felt pretty redundant。 It was like many self-help books where the premise is laid out in clear bullet points at the beginning and then pads itself out with lots of examples and scenarios。 The book focuses on heterosexual romance， and does not talk about other forms of love or relationship such as family， friends， and colleagues。 I agree with the advice of the book that if you are attempting a long-term romantic relationship with someone that you should state your needs and make sure the other person is willing to meet them， but how does that work with people who you are not trying to form a life partnership with？ 。。。more
Vaibhavi Hemasundar
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only basic info here， you could get all this from online articles。 doesn’t go at all into the nuance of people with combination types and offers no helpful tips for avoidant types
Victoria Elizabeth
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A few years ago， I would have turned my nose up to a book with of this genre & title 。。。I'm so grateful that I've gained enough self awareness & humility to not only read such a book--but to also reread， reflect upon， & apply the insights & strategies for success this book offered for my romantic （& platonic--though that isn't what is discussed in the book） relationship patterns & obstacles。 Though it is merely a brief dip into attachment theory， it does a great job of outlining the basics while A few years ago， I would have turned my nose up to a book with of this genre & title 。。。I'm so grateful that I've gained enough self awareness & humility to not only read such a book--but to also reread， reflect upon， & apply the insights & strategies for success this book offered for my romantic （& platonic--though that isn't what is discussed in the book） relationship patterns & obstacles。 Though it is merely a brief dip into attachment theory， it does a great job of outlining the basics while also helping readers identify their attachment type & historical dating patterns。 This information （& guidance） is presented through numerous informative & hopeful anecdotes with some research backing splashed throughout for us skeptics ;） 。。。more
Bruno Nunes
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A good book that seems to favour an anxious attachment style to an avoidant one。 If you're the latter， there's less advice for you here but it's still an informative book that can offer you some perspective in your relationships。I do recommend reading it regardless of your attachment style。 A good book that seems to favour an anxious attachment style to an avoidant one。 If you're the latter， there's less advice for you here but it's still an informative book that can offer you some perspective in your relationships。I do recommend reading it regardless of your attachment style。 。。。more
Vishaka
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I purchased the audiobook version and whilst initially it started out being quite informative， I would not recommend this as a balanced look at attachment styles。 Their bias towards the anxious attachment style becomes more and more clear， and towards the end of the book， they don’t even try to hide what they really think - anxious styles are the poor victims of abusive， selfish， self-absorbed avoidants and everyone should avoid getting into a relationship with an avoidant。 There is no understan I purchased the audiobook version and whilst initially it started out being quite informative， I would not recommend this as a balanced look at attachment styles。 Their bias towards the anxious attachment style becomes more and more clear， and towards the end of the book， they don’t even try to hide what they really think - anxious styles are the poor victims of abusive， selfish， self-absorbed avoidants and everyone should avoid getting into a relationship with an avoidant。 There is no understanding offered of what an avoidant experiences and the whole anxious-avoidant trap is focused on what the experience is like for the anxious person - not a very nice one and again， to be avoided at all costs。 I’m shocked that this book gets recommended so much by therapists on social media as I feel this is really harmful to those with avoidant attachment styles， who are essentially demonised。I would recommend Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles book instead。 It is much more neutral and gives a more sympathetic understanding of all the attachment styles。 。。。more
Isa
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This book has and will change my life
Brigitta Szepesi
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Wonderful quick read that gives you tools and an important run-down on what it means to build healthy sustainable relationships and how you can get there。 The book's ideas can be extended to all kinds of relationships not limited to romantic ones。 Wonderful quick read that gives you tools and an important run-down on what it means to build healthy sustainable relationships and how you can get there。 The book's ideas can be extended to all kinds of relationships not limited to romantic ones。 。。。more
Alice Miller
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The title and the cover make this book look really cringey HOWEVER I found it really interesting。 I wouldn’t pick this type of book out usually but I saw someone recommend it and I’m really glad I read it！ I’ve learnt a lot about how attachment affects children through my degree and my job as a teacher however I found it fascinating to learn about how attachment theory applies to adults in relationships。 I do agree with other reviews that the authors aren’t as generous in their descriptions of p The title and the cover make this book look really cringey HOWEVER I found it really interesting。 I wouldn’t pick this type of book out usually but I saw someone recommend it and I’m really glad I read it！ I’ve learnt a lot about how attachment affects children through my degree and my job as a teacher however I found it fascinating to learn about how attachment theory applies to adults in relationships。 I do agree with other reviews that the authors aren’t as generous in their descriptions of people with avoidant attachment styles and all of the examples seem to use hetero “gender typical” couples eg an avoidant man and an anxious woman。 Having said this， I gained a lot from this book and I think it has really helped me to better understand myself and I would recommend it。 。。。more
Kalla burke
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Great read on attachment theory Relational psychology at its finest！！！ Lots of helpful ways to communicate openly with partners。 This is good for every attachment type from avoidant to anxious， to secure… as there are a ton of tips and ideas about how to buffer the blow during arguments， getting your needs met， dealing with confrontation， and openly communicating with your partner。 Super insightful！
Christina
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Really eye opening and gave me new perspectives about attachment theory and its effects！
Molinda Prey
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[Kudos to Kaiti Yoo for recommending this in her youtube video！]Society now idolize dependency， self sufficiency， boss girl energy， i don't need a man， i dont need anyone; and overlook certain issues like neediness， emotions， codependency。。Which is wrong because human are wired to be needy and dependant But that's the mentality that we have internalized and strictly followed to the point where it just become toxicityThis book broke that down for me and realizing that neediness and dependant is v [Kudos to Kaiti Yoo for recommending this in her youtube video！]Society now idolize dependency， self sufficiency， boss girl energy， i don't need a man， i dont need anyone; and overlook certain issues like neediness， emotions， codependency。。Which is wrong because human are wired to be needy and dependant But that's the mentality that we have internalized and strictly followed to the point where it just become toxicityThis book broke that down for me and realizing that neediness and dependant is valid。Give this book a try if you've constantly failed at relationships and wanna know why 。。。more
Lisa
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Everyone should read this！This book distills 20 years of attachment research into easily understood principles for obtaining and maintaining healthy relationships。 Reading this might help you avoid investing too much time in the wrong relationship and help you recognize the qualities of a good relationship。 Filled with examples that make it relatable。
Nick Kilgore
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Eye-opening。
Brenna
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An oversimplification of relationships。 Some helpful info， but I found it to be generally unhelpful。
Rachel Winkelman
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As a person with an anxious attachment style this book was moderately helpful and did have a few ‘Aha！’ moments。 However， it was about 1/3 too long and still managed to say very little about avoidant attachers which seemed odd。 Perhaps it’s a reasonably good intro to attachment styles， but certainly not an exhaustive source。 Also， I’m married so maybe that skewed my perspective a bit as well 🤷🏼♀️
Madison Lawson
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The book was interesting and gave a lot of explanation about the attachment styles in romantic relationships but it ignores every other aspect。 There’s no examples of non romantic relationships and very little suggestions on how to do better。 It feels more like a collection of stories about what these attachment styles look like。 Which got repetitive， annoying， and unnecessary。 But the suggestions for how to “find and keep love” basically comes down to - “find someone with a secure attachment st The book was interesting and gave a lot of explanation about the attachment styles in romantic relationships but it ignores every other aspect。 There’s no examples of non romantic relationships and very little suggestions on how to do better。 It feels more like a collection of stories about what these attachment styles look like。 Which got repetitive， annoying， and unnecessary。 But the suggestions for how to “find and keep love” basically comes down to - “find someone with a secure attachment style and just don’t do the bad things。” Which isn’t helpful。 The worst thing about the book though is that they make everything an attachment style issue。 There are several examples of a relationship that is clearly abusive but is explained as “the perils of an anxious-avoidant relationship。” I really don’t like how a clear narcissist who is manipulating their partner and emotionally/psychologically abusing them is reduced to an attachment style。 This is honestly dangerous。 It gives people another reason to overlook red flags and abuse。 “Oh that’s just their attachment style， we can work on this。” No。 They’re a toxic person。 Get out。 Theres no examples relationships outside of a heteronormative relationship。 The best they do is say “not all women are anxious styles and not all men are avoidant。” Which is great but also the bare minimum。 I wish the book had more scientific studies and evolutionary explanations etc。 I really didn’t expect to read a book that is basically a bunch of stories of relationships that prove the writers’ discovery of attachment styles。 （Also， that “discovery” is barely explained。 There’s not nearly enough information on the actual science or psychological happenings。） The last two chapters are about sharpening your relationship skills and having more effective communication etc which is great but again， the bare minimum。 Honestly， the authors feel very… sure of themselves。 As if their “discovery” is a mind blowing thing that changes everything。 But basically it’s just communicating well and knowing yourself。 Why are some people avoidant/anxious/secure？ How can you be more secure？ What are some examples in childhood or past toxic relationship that can change or affect an attachment style？ How does this style look in friendships and families？ The anxious-avoidant style is rare but it exists; what does it look like and how can someone with it understand themselves and their relationships？None of those questions are answered。 Basically I was really disappointed in this book and offended in moments。 I don’t recommend。 。。。more
Anna
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Massively disappointed by this book。 I thought it would be more clinically significant but it turned out to be more of a self help book？ A lot of repetition and way too many examples。 If you know anything about attachment theory I’d pass。
Joe
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I reccomend this book to people who are stuck in a rut， looking for a partner， or recently had a breakup。 As the title says， Attached can help you find love and， more importantly， KEEP it！ You'll find out your compatibility traits and how to understand each other。 I reccomend this book to people who are stuck in a rut， looking for a partner， or recently had a breakup。 As the title says， Attached can help you find love and， more importantly， KEEP it！ You'll find out your compatibility traits and how to understand each other。 。。。more
Hayley Jade
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You need to read this。 This book sums up why relationships can and can not work。 A must read。
Hannah
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3。5/5 - As someone with a primarily secure （formerly anxious） attachment style looking to better understand attachment styles， how they affect us in relationships， and how to recognize them in others， I enjoyed this book and found it educational and easy to read without being too simplistic。 I appreciated the frequent use of examples and tools to help you analyze your own patterns。I do agree with other reviewers that this book was too complimentary of anxiously-attached people at the expense of 3。5/5 - As someone with a primarily secure （formerly anxious） attachment style looking to better understand attachment styles， how they affect us in relationships， and how to recognize them in others， I enjoyed this book and found it educational and easy to read without being too simplistic。 I appreciated the frequent use of examples and tools to help you analyze your own patterns。I do agree with other reviewers that this book was too complimentary of anxiously-attached people at the expense of the avoidant type。 It’s important not to be harsh to your readers of course， but needing constant reassurance and absolving yourself of all responsibility for your own emotional stability in relationships is not healthy and shouldn’t be treated as something that others need to adjust to while you make no effort to work on it。 I agree with the authors that these needs should be communicated to your partner and they should be more sensitive to it; however， I’ve found it most helpful to simply not enter a romantic relationship if I’m not able to maintain emotional stability on my own。 Most people can and should work through attachment issues in therapy rather than expecting someone else to “fix” them。 As a former member of multiple anxious-avoidant relationships， I would really have appreciated more insight into the avoidant type。 This book primarily stated that intimacy makes them uncomfortable and everyone should avoid dating them， which， in addition to not building much understanding， has got to sting if you’re avoidant and reading this。 I liked the list of red flags （what they refer to as “smoking guns”） and the explanation of how some avoidant people are looking for “the one” and expecting the relationship to magically feel different with the right person。 However， I’ve more frequently encountered people who simply said that they weren’t ready for a serious relationship （with me and/or at that time） despite stating that they were looking for that overall and I was hoping to better understand that line of thinking。 It’s worth mentioning that this book is very much based on a binary view of gender and cisgender， heterosexual relationships。 I assume the examples were based on the authors’ actual patients and that’s why there is only one gay couple mentioned; however， hypothetical readers and partners are referred to as “he，” “she，” or “s/he” throughout rather than “they” （or other non-gendered pronouns） and that’s a simple change。 The concepts are applicable regardless of gender， but when striving to write a book that everyone can relate to and learn from， it’s important to use inclusive language。 If you are secure or anxious and can take this book with a grain of salt， I think you’ll find it valuable。 If you’re avoidant， I’m guessing you won’t find this as helpful unless you simply need to be told that your behavior is not ideal for finding the healthy， enjoyable romantic relationship that many people strive for。 。。。more
Rosie P
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Everyone should read this book。
Sarah
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Good， basic introduction to attachment theory。
Alex
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Deeply profound， resonated with so much that is highlighted in the attachment styles and protest behaviours。 Will re-read again！ Highly recommend it for couples who are struggling to find effective way of communicating their needs and for singles who might be intrested in understanding own needs and attachment styles and how they are triggered by relationships in our lives， as well as understanding the attributes of a secure partner。
Lizzy Gunsalus
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not only did this book change my perspective on relationships in general， this book explained the reality behind the magnetism of toxic relationships。 i feel confident that this book can help point out the red flags before they are even yellow and in the end save many from entering relationships that will not meet their needs。 for anyone wondering why they are also attracting “the wrong person” this is the perfect read for you。
alfred
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This is great。 Martin finished as I’m going to keep refering back to it for reference…particularly the areas around effective communication and anxious attachment methods so I can keep learning。
Eleanor
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A lot of the science/content in this book is great。 However， I had a hard time after while staying engaged because often it would repeat information in different ways—this could be helpful to some， but I had a hard time with it。 I also think this book talks about relationships in a very limited scope—cis， white， financially stable， heterosexual and monogamous。 This leaves out many people’s experiences。 Definitely would recommend to people who want to understand attachment theory and their attach A lot of the science/content in this book is great。 However， I had a hard time after while staying engaged because often it would repeat information in different ways—this could be helpful to some， but I had a hard time with it。 I also think this book talks about relationships in a very limited scope—cis， white， financially stable， heterosexual and monogamous。 This leaves out many people’s experiences。 Definitely would recommend to people who want to understand attachment theory and their attachment styles with the caveat that while the science is good and the content is solid， it should be taken with a grain of salt and/or be supplemented with other books that expand on attachment theory。 。。。more
Dorka Berecz
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Saved my relationship with myself （and ruined my relationship with my ex-partner lol）
Sarah Beth
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There are few books in my life that as I read them， I feel the trajectory of my life changing。 This is one of those。 Not every self-help book is helpful to every person， but this one read my mail and helped me look at relationships in an entirely new way。 I would highly recommend it to anyone， but especially those who find themselves in the same situation again and again。 There is hope for change！
Carolyn
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